Discovering Your Love Language

Sunday, February 28, 2010

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:34-35

Relationships are what life is all about. We are made for relationships. To experience love and show love is the greatest privilege there is to be human. Love today is easily the most misused word in the English language. It’s used with little thought and with anything we have any affection towards. People say they love their car, dog, a meal, a new shirt, or a movie being quick to point it out with little hesitation. When we say “I love you” to a significant other, we often do it as an obligation or to get something in return from them. For some people love has become elusive and simply impossible to express correctly. If relationships are what life is all about and love is how we develop and grow in relationships; how do we express that love effectively to others?

There are five primary ways we as humans express love: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. Everyone has one primary way to express love and also a primary way they like to receive love. Usually they are the same, but this is not always the case. Also you may be very effective in expressing more than one love language, but keep in mind that you have more wired to express one primary love language. The key to enhancing all of your relationships is learning to speak your love language to others and discovering what another person’s primary love language is. Here is a brief overview of each of the five love languages:

Words have a powerful impact on us. While actions may speak louder than words, the truth of the matter is words still influence us greatly. That’s why words of affirmation is one of the five love languages. Words of affirmation is much harder for someone growing up in a negative household than someone who’s been encouraged with positive words by a role model or parent figure. But no matter where you are with this love language, it can be learned. It just takes practice and discipline to develop this love language. Simply learn how to convey your words for love and appreciation towards others.

Within words of affirmation there are many different dialects. The first is words of appreciation, which is expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service received. Words of encouragement are also a dialect and basically are when we inspire courage in one another. Another dialect  is  the dialect of praise, which is when we recognize someone’s accomplishment.  Finally, kind words is another dialect of words of affirmation. These dialects are done not only with what we say but in the manner in which we say it.  Words are very powerful indeed, so when speaking watch not only what you say, but the way you express it.

Giving gifts is one of the fundamental universal languages of love. The importance of gift giving is not in the gift itself but the emotional love that was communicated by the gift.  A gift must be given without strings attached, or it ceases to be a gift. Also it’s not a gift if it’s given just to cover up past failures. Gifts in their truest form are visual symbols of love. Gifts can be any size, shape, color, or price.

Gift giving is one of the easiest love languages to learn. Where do you begin?  Simply listen to others interests and what they care about. If you listen carefully, you will be able to pick up numerous clues as to what would be appropriate gifts for an individual person.  Just remember that buying for someone’s affection is not a good reason to give a gift! When you give a gift for the right reason, you will find joy and satisfaction that is hard to compare to anything else in the context of your relationships.

The third primary love language is acts of service. Life is filled with opportunities to express love by acts of service. It can be as simple as giving someone a ride to work, walking an elderly person across the street, or washing the dishes for your spouse. In every vocation, those who truly excel in life have a genuine desire to serve others. Those who are the most successful in all areas of life have learned the art of serving others. Service to others is the highest pinnacle man could ever scale.

Quality time, when used as an expression of genuine love, is a powerful emotional communicator. What is quality time? It simply means doing something together that two or more people enjoy. The activity itself is secondary, what’s important is the sense of togetherness. By spending time with someone, you show that you care about them and enjoy being in their company.

Just like words of affection, in quality time there are dialects. The most common dialect is quality conversion. Within this conversation there must be hearing and talking.  You must be willing to listen to what someone has to say with a genuine desire to understand their thoughts, feelings, and desires. Then we must be willing to verbalize our own thoughts, emotions, and desires to create a direct line of communication that creates a close bond between two people. The other main dialect of quality time is quality activities. This is simply doing anything in which one or both of you has an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing, though, as much as why you are doing it. The examples of quality activities are endless: seeing a movie together, sharing a meal, playing a game together, or walking in the woods together. Any time spent drawing closer to someone can be considered as quality time. When we spend time with someone we are entering their world and becoming part of their unique story. Life was meant to be experienced with others!

The final primary love language is physical touch. The body is made for touching and unlike the other four senses, touch is not limited to one localized area of the body. Through touch we can perceive something as warm or cold, hard or soft, painful or pleasurable. If  physical touch is your primary love language, then touches will speak much louder than hearing or saying the words “I love you.”

There are many ways to express physical touch but there are many inappropriate ways as well. First, we must learn from a person whom you are touching what he or she perceives as a loving touch. Also when touching someone of the opposite sex we must be use caution and care when using physical touch. When we misuse this love language it can become sexual harassment or even physical abuse. Also keep in mind the setting of a physical touch. What is appropriate in one place may not be appropriate in another. Finally, remember that not everyone likes the same kind of touches. Every individual is unique, so learn not only what a person’s love language is but also they dialect they best receive love.  When used correctly, physical touch can be powerful means of expressing love.  A simple pat of the back, a hug, holding hands, or giving someone a massage are all ways in which to show love.

How do I discover my love language?  First, you must observe your own behavior. How do you typically express love and appreciation to others? If you are always encouraging others, then most likely your love language is words of affirmation. If you are constantly giving gifts on special occasions to others, then your love language is probably gifts, and so on. Next, observe what you request of others. If you are always asking friends to help you with projects, then acts of service may be your love language. Or if you are asking loved ones to give you a hug, then physical touch could be your love language. Finally, listen to your complaints. This could be either your verbal complaints or the silent ones you don’t express. If you complain to your friends that they have no time for you, then your love language could be quality time. Or if you complain constantly that no one is helping you clean the house, then maybe your love language is acts of service. Our complaints reveal our deep emotional hurts, so the opposite of what hurts you the most is probably your love language.

Once you confirm your primary love language, discover what your family members, friends, co-workers, and neighbors love language is. Simply do the three steps that you did to find your love language  for each of them. How do they express love and show appreciation? Observe their requests from others. Look into their complaints and see what emotional hurts them the most. By following these three simple steps, you can begin to love others in the way they are built to be loved. Once you establish love languages, let others know what yours is and start expressing yours to others in all your relationships. Once we learn how to love lavishly we begin to experience life the way it was meant to be lived full of joy, significance, and purpose! Visit:  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ to discover you love language today!

**Next week I will begin a very lengthy series on the two most important questions we are faced as human beings: Does God exist? and What is the meaning of life? In March we will look at the amazing evidence for God’s existence and why we should be confident in our faith. Then starting in April we will begin a five month journey looking into discovering why we’re here, who we are, finding our calling, our unique gifts we possess, how to use our strengths to serve the church and much more. For more information on this check out the page titled Special on this website. Also starting next week my blogs will be featured in the Northside Christian Church blog site at  http://northsideccblog.wordpress.com/ on Mondays. Have a great week and God Bless.

Sources: Gary Chapman Love As a Way of Life. Colorado Springs, Colorado: Waterbrook Press, 2008.

Gary Chapman The Five Love Languages For Singles. Chicago, Illinois, Northfield Publishing, 2004.