See With His Eyes. Be the Surprise.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C. S. Lewis

What is Kyle’s Kaleidoscope? This is where I’ll write about my personal life, opinions, views, etc. Unlike the SHOUT IT blogs on the Homepage, these blogs will be from a 1st point of view–how I view the world. Why a Kaleidoscope? I’ve always loved looking through kaleidoscopes. When I was a kid I loved looking into my grandparents kaleidoscope when I visited. As I looked into the kaleidoscope I saw rich, bright patterns that changed as I moved into different angles or moved into a lighted area. It never seemed to be the same pattern no matter how many times I looked into it.  This is a good metaphor of how life can be viewed. We all have a unique perspective in which we view the world with different colors, patterns, and symmetries. When we move into the ”light”, in this case God’s light, everything becomes richer, more colorful, and more beautiful. So these blogs are how I view the world through my “kaleidoscope”.  There is no set dates/time in which I’ll write these blogs; they’ll be very random when I feel inspired or I feel the need to share something that I’ve learned that I want others to know about. The blogs will vary in length as well; some very short, others much longer. I’ve always wanted to write blogs about my life and this website finally gives me the chance. 

July 8, 2010

Finding My Place in This World: Where Do I Belong? (Part 2 of 2)

“A heart that’s hopeful
I head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems…

Feels like I’m
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world” -Michael W. Smith Lyrics

Time is flying by, in fact it seems like every day is faster than the one before these days! It’s now been 7 years since I graduated high school in 2003 and yet here I am in virtually the same place I was 7 years ago. What happened? I ask myself–where did I go wrong? Why is life so hard and why is getting to where I want to be seem so elusive to me? Lately these questions have been drilling me in my head as friends, former co-workers, family members, and my peers continue to progress in life, while I’m stuck in neutral. Here’s a recap at what went wrong over the past several years….

High school for me was a complete waste(or at least it feels that way)–and I deeply regret that it was. I was a nobody in high school, but okay with it. I wasn’t even a part of any crowd, didn’t have many friends, and didn’t involve myself in any after school activities such as plays, sports, or clubs. Why? Because I approached high school with a passive attitude.  I didn’t put full effort into my academic work, striving just to get by and be done with it. Am I being too hard on myself–perhaps…but I have know I could have done so much more than what I did through those 4 years. Then planning for college was seen as a chore and I took little interest in it. I dreamed of going to somewhere like Malone or Mount Vernon but I knew it was impossible with my grades, so I settled for Stark State Tech College because it was cheap and close to home….

Deciding a major was a nightmare—nothing appealed to me. My thinking process was this: The Health field—boring. Engineering–way too complicated. Law–um….I’ll pass. Teaching…death. (no offense to all you teachers), Computers…too much math,…okay, I guess it’s going to have to be something in the business field. So I took the easy way out and choose Financial Services. After all I had to pick something, right?…  

Less than 2 years in, I was miserable and knew Financial Services was going to be the death of me with classes like Accounting and Taxation. So I switched majors and choose Marketing–yet another mistake. I based my major on the introduction class to Marketing, which I loved, but never considered what actually a marketing job required. I ignored all the warning signs, convincing myself that marketing would somehow work. After a few setbacks, I got my associate’s degree in marketing in 2007 and thought getting a job would be easy….

As it turns out, getting a job wasn’t the problem–it was what the job required; the details of my job description immediately made me realize that I had made a HUGE mistake. Marketing in the truest sense is sales–there are different words for it promoting, advertising, public relations, but at its core Marketing is simply sales(which doesn’t fit my personality at all!!). After a few job shadowing interviews I was miserable and knew I wanted out. By this time, I just wasted four years of my life in college and gotten nowhere..now what?.. I asked…

Over the next year or so, I again struggled on what to do. I decided on going back to school, this time striving to get certification in Desktop Publishing. Yet another mistake. Why? Desktop Publishing is mainly a home business job that thrived in the 90s, now it’s slowly fading out. Also certification is mainly for people who already have experience in that area of study, but need a little more educational training. So if you’re counting that’s 5 years in college and 6 overall that managed to pass me by…

Last summer, I decided to try something different–a self-training program in A+ certification(Information Technology). You guessed it–another mistake. Although the material itself isn’t hard to comprehend–it’s incredibly boring and I had a hard time getting motivated to learn the material, so I’m faced with making another career altering decision…

Going a few months back before then, On April 21, 2009, the course of my life took a drastic change. It may have not been in one instant moment that transcended every area of my life right then and there, but I finally woke up for good after years settling for mediocrity and getting by. Fourteen months have since passed and I’m beginning to see the results of the decision I made on that day. I’m no longer afraid to take risks, I’m more willing to step outside of my comfort zone, trying new things doesn’t faze me like it used to, my walk with God is incredibly strong and getting stronger, rejection is much easier to deal with now since mid-February, and I’m beginning to see clearly on what God wants me to do with my life!  That brings me to my decision that I’ve been wrestling with for months….

I’ve always wanted to doing something with computers, but it always struck me as a complex field with tons of math. While in school during the spring of 2009, I discovered my love for web design. Then SHOUT IT exploded onto the scene and the idea for a website came. In mid-November of last year, I launched the website and since then many ideas, concepts, and dreams have sprung up, so I bought the Adobe Web Design Suite. The only problem is that I don’t know how to use all these programs, so I need to learn how….

…So going back to school in the fall(Stark State) to study Web Design is what I feel God is leading me to do. No regrets, no passivity, no lackluster effort–it’s all or nothing. I’ve already spent 7 years wandering in the desert of despair and mediocrity. I can’t afford to make another mistake–so this decision must be the right one. I’ve prayed long and hard about this and I feel very confident in this decision.  Of course,  there’s plenty of hurdles and obstacles that I must overcome. Money, time, more commitments, sacrifices in my schedule are just a few that come to mind. I still haven’t figured out all the details, but I feel led to try for an associate’s degree in Web Design which will take at least 2.5 years or most likely 3 years. Yes, I’m frustrated it took this long to finally wake up and realize what I’m supposed to do, but like everything else in my life, it’s taken awhile for me to figure things out. I guess you could say I’m a slow learner…

Getting a job that pays the bills is never enough as I’ve learned. There’s more to a job than just earning money, making a living, and getting by. Also I’ve come to the realization that your job must fit your strengths, abilities, passions, etc. or you will be miserable! It sounds obvious, but a lot of people like me get a job just because it’s what they’re supposed to do. One more thing I’ve learned to not to live for someone else’s dream–do what God’s called you to do, not for what other people expect you to do. You can’t do anything you want, you must use what you’re given and use them for the glory of God!…..

Before I can walk, I must learn to crawl. I’m still paying for the mistakes I’ve made over the past 7-10 years of my life, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I can learn from my mistakes but it does me no good using them as an excuse for where I am today. The time is now to make something of my life, to live with a reckless abandon, living as each day was my last. I’ve grown so much in the past year or so, and I finally think I’m headed in the right direction. There’s still a lot of uncertainty in my life, question marks flood my mind as each day passes. In this process, God is teaching me to trust Him every step of the way, giving Him every part of my life. This is one area(my career) I’m finally ready to hand over to Him… My story isn’t over by any means…in fact…it’s just beginning!!

Thanks for Reading. God Bless.

-Kyle

 

June 30, 2010

Finding My Place in This World: Discovering My Identity (Part 1 of 2)

“But I’m not what you want
No, I’m not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone” Caedmon’s Call lyrics  

**This is by far the hardest article/blog I’ve ever written to this point, but I feel like God is calling me to write it, opening up my feelings on an issue that has been at the forefront of my life long since I can remember… but here it is for all to see…I hope you can relate to it in some ways and know you’re not alone…** 

“You’re a loser, a nobody, an outsider—worthless”. These are the words that have replayed in my mind for years–sometimes so loud it’s paralyzing and downright depressing.  I’ve struggled with my self-esteem for most of my life, as I was constantly picked on, bullied and teased, especially early on in my elementary school years.  My teenage years were full of rebellion, insecurity, and many hardships which further worsened my self-esteem issues. Then high school came and I was ignored. As far as I know, it wasn’t intentional but I certainty felt apart from everyone else in some ways. I didn’t fit in with any crowd, so I just avoided the entire high-school scene for the most part…. 

I have often viewed my shy nature as a curse. Why do I have to be so “painfully” shy as they constantly remind me? Why do I have to answer the question I’ve been asked millions of times–why are you so shy? I can’t help but be offended by this question!…“Like I had a choice!!”…echoes in my mind, I then ask myself…Why can’t I just be like everyone else–speaking my mind, engaging in activities with strangers and my peers alike without feeling uncomfortable—having lots of friends? Instead of going on dates and dances in high school I was stuck home alone most Friday night and Saturday nights. I didn’t like myself on many occasions– I wondered why I couldn’t have a better personality, looks, talents, and intelligence. It could have been much worse, all things considered,… but I can’t help sometimes to wonder what could have been… 

Moving forward to the my post-high school years–things slowly improved, as I developed a better self-image of myself. I got more comfortable being around people I didn’t know and it was easier to open up my thoughts, opinions, and feelings on issues and topics discussed. But the lapses continued when I saw what others had–tons of friends, a thriving social life, a significant other hanging around them, good looks–envy and embarrassment would take over leaving me defeated and discouraged.  It didn’t help that I went to a community college either, so friendships were very hard to develop. So this brings me to the present and my recent struggles… 

In all of what I’ve gone through, it’s not like I’ve never been loved. My parents are fantastic people who have always been there for me, supporting me, and loving me every step of the way over the course of my life.  Also God has put many, many wonderful people in my life through school, church, and work that have been with me through my most difficult and challenging hours. What’s more.. I know God loves me more than I can imagine and He created me to be this way. He even gave His Son to die on the cross for my sins giving me the gift of eternal life, the greatest act of love I could ever imagine…I have been so blessed but…Despite all of this I sometimes want to be anyone but me… 

I admit sometimes I like feeling sorry for myself. Pity-parties can be fun in a unhealthy kind of way. At the same time, I know they are poisonous to my soul as well. Instead of being thankful for the gifts and abilities that God has given me I’m resentful, angry, and jealous for not having a certain physical characteristics, abilities, or personality traits that I see in other people. I’ve slowly come to grips with the truth… just because it feels right, doesn’t make it right….Jealously is not going to help my situation any bit… 

Pointing fingers isn’t going to solve anything either. I can blame the bullies I dealt with in grade school, my peers for ignoring me, God for making me this way, or myself for being so hard about my self-image— it doesn’t change a thing. Everything that has taken place is for a specific reason and God is working all of the circumstances of my life to mold me and make me into the person He wants me to become. I’m beginning to see my value and worth in God’s eyes…It’s just been a very, long, grueling process that has taken the entire course of my life for most part, 26 years and counting…. 

These past few months have again confronted me with these haunting thoughts of being worthless as I’ve been rejected time and time again, wondering why I’m not good enough, talented enough for people to accept me. What’s wrong with me?, I’ve constantly asked myself. Despite all the emotional pain and turmoil God has never left my side. I’ve had to rely on Him more than ever this year and I believe that all of this has happened so I can learn to trust Him, walk with Him, and love Him more, giving Him complete surrender over every part of my life. The gaping scars that have plagued my life are slowly disappearing… 

With my recent studies for my SHOUT IT Ministries/website I’m really rediscovering who I am and what why God created me in the first place. I’ve ignored the facts for far too long; listening to the lies of the world about who I am and why I’m here. Now my eyes are being opened to a whole new perspective–God’s perspective on my identity. More than ever I’m discovering: I am special–there’s no one on earth like me and God created me for a very unique purpose. I am a child of the God of the universe–who is vast in wisdom, knowledge, grace, and love that I can’t possibly wrap my mind around it. We are made more than to just live, but to live life to the fullest–everything for His glory.  There’s a reason why I am the way I am and nothing is by chance…These are things I’ve learned growing up but I didn’t really apply them to my life. It was as if it almost didn’t seem to fit with my life and I choose to ignore God’s promises… 

It’s been a long road to recovery for my spiritual well-being but I feel like I’m making real progress and as I dig deeper and deeper into discovering who I am I will grow more and more comfortable being myself.  I’ll still have doubts and insecurities about myself, but I’m confident these emotions will slowly loosen their grip as time goes on. Looking in the mirror isn’t quite as hard as it used to be and not worrying about what others think is becoming less and less of an issue… 

As I conclude this blog, here are a few reminders about identity that can’t be taken lightly: First before you do anything else, you must discover who God is–His nature, character, and attributes. Next, discover who you are–all aspects of your identity–your personality, values, passions, strengths, weaknesses, interests, and so on.  Remember–Don’t compare yourself to others and never try to please others–God’s opinion is the only one that counts in the end. Finally, don’t forget– no matter what that God loves you just the way you are and nothing you do or say will change that–He’s jealous for your love, attention, and devotion! Truly amazing when you think about it–never take this for granted!! I pray that everyone you reads this discovers these truths like I am in the process of doing right now. They are of the utmost importance!! 

Thanks for reading and God Bless. 

-Kyle 

  

April 21, 2010

The Starting Point of my Surrender

“I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours” -Hillsong United Lyrics 

Today marks a very special anniversary in my life–the one year anniversary of the day SHOUT IT Ministries was born. Looking back I’m in awe and wonder at how much God has blessed with the simple idea to put a 7 letter statement on a license plate(How many dreams start with a license plate?) From this came the acrostic–Stand Up, Holiness, Outrageous, Unite, Thankfulness, Integrity, and Tell Them–and the rest is history. Never did I intend for this to become my life statement, a website, and a full blown ministry(s). But God had other ideas and nevertheless here I am today talking about it…

There’s still much work to be done and more ideas to chew on that God has inspired me with. I’ve come a long ways from a year ago, but I know that I’ve still have a long journey ahead of me. With my recent purchase of the Adobe Web Premium Package I can finally build a website that will fulfill what dream God has instilled in my heart. It’s going to be very challenging, take countless hours, come with plenty of trails and problems, but I’m ready for whatever God has in store for it.The past few years have been challenging for several reasons as I’ve gone through many setbacks, disappointments, physical and emotional pains, frustrations, and so on. I’ve grown incredibly over the past year especially and I’ve finally come to the point where I’m ready to surrender every part of my life to God. Throughout my life I’ve picked and chosen what areas I wanted God to have control over and I don’t think I’m alone in this ill-conceited philosophy (more on this in my next blogs I’m writing in early May). This year I resolved to take risks and live more fully but the problem I ran into was thinking that God was going to reward me with this attitude. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My plans and God plan didn’t line up and I was left broken, beaten, and in shambles because life wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. I was seeking change, instead of Him… 

I’m done trying to change my life, I just want God to take complete control over my life. Whatever He wants is now what I want. If He wants be to make radical changes in my life, I’m ready. Or if He just wants me to stay where I’m at and grow in my walk with Him, I’m willing to embrace whatever comes my way….which leads me to the amazing experience I just went through… 

I just recently went to on short trip to Philadelphia to see the band Hillsong United despite all the odds against me last Thursday. I had never traveled by myself past North Canton, OH or driven more than 2 hours straight. Also I’m horrible with directions and I tend to be timid in areas I don’t know well. So in traveling 7 hours both ways by myself in another state, by myself, I had to put my full trust in God that he would guide me there, keep me safe traveling, and give me peace of mind…. after weeks of praying about it, I felt God wanted me to take this huge risk…So I took the leap of faith.. 

Not only did the trip go well but the concert itself was something that I have a hard time putting words to. I simply can’t describe how incredible the worship was that night. First off I had an amazing seat–12 rows from the front– later it became even better when someone wanted to switch seats with me–and his seat was in row AA, only 4 rows from the front of the theater! What a great blessing from God! I’ve never experienced worship that was so passionate, energetic, and exciting like what I experienced at this concert. Unlike most concerts I’ve been to, no one had to be pushed or encouraged to stand up, raise their hands, clap, or sing aloud –it was a given here. Everyone knew all the songs and sung at the top of their lungs and I didn’t feel uncomfortable looking over my shoulder feeling out of place like most concerts. The song “With Everything” was so intense with God’s presence–everyone singing with everything they had and holding nothing back–that I nearly lost control over all my senses. What an awe-inspiring night it was!! It was truly the greatest two and half hours of my life to this point–no question!!… 

All in all, it was an amazing couple of days and I very so blessed that I got experience it. This is just the beginning, though, of letting God have complete control of my life. I’m doing a lot of soul-searching right now and there’s plenty of areas in my life that I need to let God in. Now this is a lot easier said than done–that’s for sure. It’s also not a one-time process; it’s a day by day process that requires a ton of effort and will. It involves letting go of our past, present, and future; our material possessions, the people in our lives, our time, our abilities– every aspect of our lives! This I believe is one of the key flaws in teachings on Christianity today–we emphasize so much on surrendering to Christ in the moment of being saved, which is very important, of course, but at the same time we neglect that it’s more than just a one-time decision. We just want to be saved from hell and get eternal life–then we go back to living our lives like before. Sure we go to church once a week, read our Bibles when we feel like it, pray every once in a while, but do we really understand what God wants from us? What about the change? Why do our lives tend to blend it with non-believers? I believe that we’re missing the point and that’s why the church and our nation is slowly crumbling around us. Surrendering our entire lives is where it all begins and until we realize this, our lives will never be what they were meant to be. I’ll leave you with this quote which really hit me hard this week: 

“The core problem isn’t the fact that we’re lukewarm, halfhearted, or stagnant Christians. The crux of it all is why we are this way, and it is because we have an inaccurate view of
God. We see Him as a benevolent Being who is satisfied when people manage to fit Him into their lives in some small way. We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He’s great and deserves to be the center of our lives.” -Francis Chan

-Kyle 

March 25, 2010

Wondering, What Now?

“I’m wondering about the road ahead of me, Wondering about the things you said to me, Wondering if these dreams will ever do, And I’m wondering about the way I spend my days, Wondering if it’s even worth the chase, Wondering if they’re stealing me from you…” -TobyMac lyrics  

 I just celebrated my 26th birthday last week and since then I’ve a deep sense of frustration and disappointment.  I’m in the second half of my twenties and this is all the progress I’ve made? I look around me and see what my life COULD become and it leaves me desperate for more. This kind of thinking as been at the forefront of my mind for a couple years now, especially over the past year or so. Now it’s to the point where I can no longer ignore it, I need to make a lot of changes in my life starting with my self-image, attitude, priorities, and how I spend my time.  Clearly, something is wrong and it’s time to start looking into what it is… 

“Hope” is a word I use a lot and I have to admit it’s something I’m starting to find —elusive. I know the minute I lose hope for my future, I will lose all passion, purpose, and conviction that I’m aiming for. Hope, by definition, is believing in something you cannot see, and the problem is I’m finding it very hard to actually see the things I want out of my life coming into being.  Have I given up hope…NO, …but it’s turning into a much harder struggle than I want it to be… 

As the show LOST winds down, I can’t help but see the similarities between the show and my life. Like everyone on the island, I want my life to have a purpose and feel like I have value and worth in the whole scheme of things. Also like the show, there’s much confusion and frustration over lack of answers. It seems like when one thing begins to make sense, a whole new set of questions come into place leaving me even more frustrated with each passing day. Yet another similarity with the show is the desire to start over and redeem myself from my past, wanting a clean slate. The island in LOST is a symbol of a place where the past doesn’t matter…So in ways I am “lost” on what to do with my life right now… 

It all starts with God. My primary focus MUST be on Him and His promises. He hasn’t left my side and He’s guiding me towards a bright future. I must be willing to surrender all my dreams and desires to Him and let Him use me towards what He wants out of my life. The problem is finding the will to actually putting it into action and letting Him take the wheel and take over.  I want so much out of life, but ultimately it’s not my will, but His will be done in this life.  I must get back to my first love, Jesus Christ, and just remember who I am in Him….  

Starting in the second week of April, I’m launching my SPECIAL project which with be the primary focus of SHOUT IT Ministries for the next 5-6 months.  In ways, this is the perfect time for this to get off the ground and running, because not only with I be teaching others on how to find their calling, purpose, and potential in life, but I’ll be in the process of learning about myself as well.  I think it gives me a perfect opportunity to get back to the basics of life and get a fresh start…. 

What does this all mean? I have NO idea. I feel like I’m running around in circles right now, making no progress. I’m saying the same things, doing the same things, and getting nowhere. I don’t think it’s an accident that I’m so passionate about living life to the fullest with no regrets. I believe God is moving my heart in this direction for a certain reason…I just wish I knew what that reason was….  -Kyle 

February 17, 2010

For Those Who Wait

“I’m having troubles feeling all alone
When my heart find a home
I want to hope but sometimes I just don’t know
I know I’m not the only one… 

When you’re fighting to believe in a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait” -Fireflight lyrics  

The year 2010 has gotten off to a rough start for me especially the month of February thus far. It seems like the harder I try to change things, the more I mess things up. I consider myself to be a very patient person but it certainly isn’t easy watching everyone else around me change and move up in life, while I’m stuck in neutral being in the same spot I’ve always been in for so many years. I so badly want my life to make sense and the pieces to come together but the questions only seem to grow… 

I’ve been through a lot of growing pains in the past year and a half to two years but through it all God has never left my side. With car accidents, family members moving, struggles with finding a new job, an vast array of disappointments, financial problems, and a period of a loss of self-identity –it certainly has not been an easy ride. I know there is a purpose for all that I’ve dealt with, it’s just frustrating right now not knowing what it is yet. For now I must be patient and let God use me to accomplish His will, whatever it may be…. 

If anything else, these hard times have made me realize how truly blessed I am. Being a worshiper instead of a whiner is difficult especially when you’re hurting and life seems so unfair, but it certainly makes helps me see my life in a whole new perspective. I’ve been blessed with good health, a wonderful family and friends, and many, many material blessings. Even when this doesn’t seem to be enough I need to remember that God is still God no matter how I’m feeling and He is more than enough for me. I believe a main reason why God makes us wait so long for His blessings is so that when we receive them we’ll appreciate them more fully than if we were handed everything right from the get go. If we always got what we wanted in life, we’d become spoiled and ungrateful forgetting where our blessings came from in the first place. It makes us more reliant on God instead of our own efforts… 

I’m decided to stop questioning God on why all of this is happening now and what the purpose of it is. For now I need to trust God completely with my life and know that He is in control. I must carry on and not let my worries and fears about my future affect how I’m living in the present tense. I sometimes become over obsessed with finding the answers to my life due to my extreme curious nature. That’s why it’s so hard to give up the search for answers and let go. God has a great future in store for me and I’m early anticipating in finding out what it is. Until then I will continue to grow, mature, and become the man God wants me to become.  -Kyle 

December 31, 2009

My Declaration: Awaken, Action, and Ambition in 2010!

The Year that Was, the Year that will Be…

“And it’s got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it’s the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I’m still hiding; I’m still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
‘Cause I’m tired of sleeping in.” -Nevertheless Lyrics 

In a way I’ve been “sleeping in” for 25 plus years. Just trying to get by, getting what needs to be done, and hoping not to mess up. This year has finally woke me up and now I’m ready to move forward. I dare say 2010 is the most critical year of my life. I can either continue on the path I’ve been on or change the course before it’s too late to turn back. I can no longer let life pass me by. Before I get into the year to come, I should first review the year that was, 2009…. 

I had high hopes coming in 2009 and right away these hopes faded. It seemed like the harder I tried, the worst it became. There were countless disappointments, trails, pains, more of the same dullness of just existing. But God used everything for His glory and to prepare for what had in store for me. I went through a very trying car accident on Easter but through it I learned to remember how blessed I am for my health and I got a much needed financial blessing. Then a mere 9 days later, SHOUT IT was born and my life was radically changed. Everything I’ve learned in my life started to make sense and seemed to fit perfectly into what I wanted to accomplish with this ambitious project. Despite this exciting new chapter, I still had countless trails and disappointments along the way. For the first time in several years, I couldn’t go on a vacation in the summer and every time I made plans they seemed to fall through. My search for a new and better job never got off the ground. Then the countless changes came at full force in the fall. My brother, Kevin, moved away to college, my other brother, Eric, graduated college, got a new job, and moved into his first house, my cousin moved to the Washington, D.C. area, my best friend moved for the 2nd time in a year, and the biggest change of all..I said goodbye to the place I’ve worked at the past 7 years, the old Wadsworth Giant Eagle. The first few months working at the new Giant Eagle nearly drove me mad with the countless adjustments and new people everywhere I turned. Through all of this I wondered when things would begin to come together and my dreams would begin to materialize. It seems like all I ever do is wait and wait and wait and on and on it goes. I becoming tired of my diet of manna, I want to get to the promised land but I somehow keep wandering around in circles getting nowhere… 

Looking back on 2009, I now realize that it was more or less a year of foundations for my future. I’ve grown in ways I never expected at this time last year. If you’d told me, I would have created a phrase that I would base my life on and form an entire mission statement and website off of, I would have laughed at such a crazy thought. This year has also given me a glimpse of what my life could be, if I just took that first step of faith and let God use me. I’m a very passionate person and sometimes I try to make everything in my life perfect. I now realize that I need to stop worrying about doing, and instead focus on being… 

Even further back in high school and most of college, I just wanted to survive barely scratching the surface of my potential. I didn’t try new things, join many activities, or form many lasting relationships. Yes some of this was due to my extreme shy nature, but this shouldn’t have kept me from living to full potential. The what if’s have haunted me at times..what if I had tried harder, what if I had risks, what if… But there’s nothing I can do now about the past because it can never be changed. I could indulge in self-pity for what could have been and question God for why things haven’t turned out the way I wanted them to. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and realize that God is using every single event in my life for his purposes and glory. It’s now time to look to my future letting go of my past…. 

I recently got an idea to create a short motto/slogan for the year 2010–”Awaken, Action, and Ambition in 2010!” It’s a three-step process that I believe is the key to living out loud in 2010. The first step is to awaken my hopes and dreams. I have to clarify what it is I want and how to attain them. I love planning but sometimes I’m too vague and don’t give myself much to work with. I need to be specific about what I want and target  the date I want to achieve these dreams. The second step is simply to take action!  Once I know what I want and how to attain them, I actually have to follow-through. This is very difficult for me, as I tend to be the follower, instead of the leader. I sometimes like life on the sidelines, watching from a distance. I can’t fear dictate my life anymore! Once I begin to take action, I then to have ambition in my the light of my actions. Without ambition I would settle for the mediocre, ordinary, average and I simply can’t accept this anymore. This is where I’ve been lacking most of my life. I lack self confidence and play it safe, never allowing myself to reach me full potential.  Life was meant to be lived to the fullest and I’ve done a poor job at this throughout my life for the most part…. 

Why now? I still have tons of choices and opinions to choose from. I’m not limited in what I can do. I’m entering the prime of my life–my mid 20′s and early 30′s and to this point there’s little holding me down. I can move anywhere I want and leave on my own, find a job I love, enjoy the context of a dating relationship, make new friendships, go on vacations and see different parts of the country, serve my church and discover my calling, and so on… I have my health, financial flexibility, and personal time to pursue the life that God wants me to live. The choice is mine to make…. 

With all of this said, I’m not saying the life I’ve lived has been a complete waste because that’s hardly the case. I’ve been blessed beyond belief with a wonderful family, friends, church, and financial blessings. I’ve been able to experience some amazing things and meet amazing people. What I trying to say is that I’ve been stuck far too long with the same old routine doing the same thing over and over again which has left me wondering when things are ever going to change for the better. The problem lies in the fact that I expect God to do all the work for me and just give me everything I’ve wanted simply because he loves me and has promised to provide for me. I have to start becoming the person I was made to be and this starts of discovering who I am and what my calling is. I’m out of excuses, the time is now to take full responsibility for who I’m becoming. I don’t know where all of this will lead, but I know with God anything is possible. There will still be disappointments along the way and more waiting for certain things. I just can’t let my circumstances dictate my life anymore. The milk and honey from the promised land is coming and it may be sooner than I think, all I have to do is be willing to let God use me. In the end it’s His purposes that will prevail. I’m very excited for what the future holds for me, so without further delay let 2010 begin!!   -Kyle