April 21, 2010 

The Starting Point of my Surrender 

“I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours” -Hillsong United Lyrics 

Today marks a very special anniversary in my life–the one year anniversary of the day SHOUT IT Ministries was born. Looking back I’m in awe and wonder at how much God has blessed with the simple idea to put a 7 letter statement on a license plate(How many dreams start with a license plate?) From this came the acrostic–Stand Up, Holiness, Outrageous, Unite, Thankfulness, Integrity, and Tell Them–and the rest is history. Never did I intend for this to become my life statement, a website, and a full blown ministry(s). But God had other ideas and nevertheless here I am today talking about it… 

There’s still much work to be done and more ideas to chew on that God has inspired me with. I’ve come a long ways from a year ago, but I know that I’ve still have a long journey ahead of me. With my recent purchase of the Adobe Web Premium Package I can finally build a website that will fulfill what dream God has instilled in my heart. It’s going to be very challenging, take countless hours, come with plenty of trails and problems, but I’m ready for whatever God has in store for it.The past few years have been challenging for several reasons as I’ve gone through many setbacks, disappointments, physical and emotional pains, frustrations, and so on. I’ve grown incredibly over the past year especially and I’ve finally come to the point where I’m ready to surrender every part of my life to God. Throughout my life I’ve picked and chosen what areas I wanted God to have control over and I don’t think I’m alone in this ill-conceited philosophy (more on this in my next blogs I’m writing in early May). This year I resolved to take risks and live more fully but the problem I ran into was thinking that God was going to reward me with this attitude. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My plans and God plan didn’t line up and I was left broken, beaten, and in shambles because life wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. I was seeking change, instead of Him… 

I’m done trying to change my life, I just want God to take complete control over my life. Whatever He wants is now what I want. If He wants be to make radical changes in my life, I’m ready. Or if He just wants me to stay where I’m at and grow in my walk with Him, I’m willing to embrace whatever comes my way….which leads me to the amazing experience I just went through… 

I just recently went to on short trip to Philadelphia to see the band Hillsong United despite all the odds against me last Thursday. I had never traveled by myself past North Canton, OH or driven more than 2 hours straight. Also I’m horrible with directions and I tend to be timid in areas I don’t know well. So in traveling 7 hours both ways by myself in another state, by myself, I had to put my full trust in God that he would guide me there, keep me safe traveling, and give me peace of mind…. after weeks of praying about it, I felt God wanted me to take this huge risk…So I took the leap of faith… 

Not only did the trip go well but the concert itself was something that I have a hard time putting words to. I simply can’t describe how incredible the worship was that night. First off I had an amazing seat–12 rows from the front– later it became even better when someone wanted to switch seats with me–and his seat was in row AA, only 4 rows from the front of the theater! What a great blessing from God! I’ve never experienced worship that was so passionate, energetic, and exciting like what I experienced at this concert. Unlike most concerts I’ve been to, no one had to be pushed or encouraged to stand up, raise their hands, clap, or sing aloud –it was a given here. Everyone knew all the songs and sung at the top of their lungs and I didn’t feel uncomfortable looking over my shoulder feeling out of place like most concerts. The song “With Everything” was so intense with God’s presence–everyone singing with everything they had and holding nothing back–that I nearly lost control over all my senses. What an awe-inspiring night it was!! It was truly the greatest two and half hours of my life to this point–no question!!… 

All in all, it was an amazing couple of days and I very so blessed that I got experience it. This is just the beginning, though, of letting God have complete control of my life. I’m doing a lot of soul-searching right now and there’s plenty of areas in my life that I need to let God in. Now this is a lot easier said than done–that’s for sure. It’s also not a one-time process; it’s a day by day process that requires a ton of effort and will. It involves letting go of our past, present, and future; our material possessions, the people in our lives, our time, our abilities– every aspect of our lives! This I believe is one of the key flaws in teachings on Christianity today–we emphasize so much on surrendering to Christ in the moment of being saved, which is very important, of course, but at the same time we neglect that it’s more than just a one-time decision. We just want to be saved from hell and get eternal life–then we go back to living our lives like before. Sure we go to church once a week, read our Bibles when we feel like it, pray every once in a while, but do we really understand what God wants from us? What about the change? Why do our lives tend to blend it with non-believers? I believe that we’re missing the point and that’s why the church and our nation is slowly crumbling around us. Surrendering our entire lives is where it all begins and until we realize this, our lives will never be what they were meant to be. I’ll leave you with this quote which really hit me hard this week: 

“The core problem isn’t the fact that we’re lukewarm, halfhearted, or stagnant Christians. The crux of it all is why we are this way, and it is because we have an inaccurate view of
God. We see Him as a benevolent Being who is satisfied when people manage to fit Him into their lives in some small way. We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He’s great and deserves to be the center of our lives.” Francis Chan

-Kyle

June 30, 2010

Finding My Place in This World: Discovering My Identity (Part 1 of 2)

“But I’m not what you want
No, I’m not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone” Caedmon’s Call lyrics

**This is by far the hardest article/blog I’ve ever written to this point, but I feel like God is calling me to write it, opening up my feelings on an issue that has been at the forefront of my life long since I can remember… but here it is for all to see…I hope you can relate to it in some ways and know you’re not alone…**

“You’re a loser, a nobody, an outsider—worthless”. These are the words that have replayed in my mind for years–sometimes so loud it’s paralyzing and downright depressing. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem for most of my life, as I was constantly picked on, bullied and teased, especially early on in my elementary school years. My teenage years were full of rebellion, insecurity, and many hardships which further worsened my self-esteem issues. Then high school came and I was ignored. As far as I know, it wasn’t intentional but I certainty felt apart from everyone else in some ways. I didn’t fit in with any crowd, so I just avoided the entire high-school scene for the most part….

I have often viewed my shy nature as a curse. Why do I have to be so “painfully” shy as they constantly remind me? Why do I have to answer the question I’ve been asked millions of times–why are you so shy? I can’t help but be offended by this question!…“Like I had a choice!!”…echoes in my mind, I then ask myself…Why can’t I just be like everyone else–speaking my mind, engaging in activities with strangers and my peers alike without feeling uncomfortable—having lots of friends? Instead of going on dates and dances in high school I was stuck home alone most Friday night and Saturday nights. I didn’t like myself on many occasions– I wondered why I couldn’t have a better personality, looks, talents, and intelligence. It could have been much worse, all things considered,… but I can’t help sometimes to wonder what could have been…

Moving forward to the my post-high school years–things slowly improved, as I developed a better self-image of myself. I got more comfortable being around people I didn’t know and it was easier to open up my thoughts, opinions, and feelings on issues and topics discussed. But the lapses continued when I saw what others had–tons of friends, a thriving social life, a significant other hanging around them, good looks–envy and embarrassment would take over leaving me defeated and discouraged. It didn’t help that I went to a community college either, so friendships were very hard to develop. So this brings me to the present and my recent struggles…

I admit sometimes I like feeling sorry for myself. Pity-parties can be fun in a unhealthy kind of way. At the same time, I know they are poisonous to my soul as well. Instead of being thankful for the gifts and abilities that God has given me I’m resentful, angry, and jealous for not having a certain physical characteristics, abilities, or personality traits that I see in other people. I’ve slowly come to grips with the truth… just because it feels right, doesn’t make it right….Jealously is not going to help my situation any bit…

Pointing fingers isn’t going to solve anything either. I can blame the bullies I dealt with in grade school, my peers for ignoring me, God for making me this way, or myself for being so hard about my self-image— it doesn’t change a thing. Everything that has taken place is for a specific reason and God is working all of the circumstances of my life to mold me and make me into the person He wants me to become. I’m beginning to see my value and worth in God’s eyes…It’s just been a very, long, grueling process that has taken the entire course of my life for most part, 26 years and counting….

These past few months have again confronted me with these haunting thoughts of being worthless as I’ve been rejected time and time again, wondering why I’m not good enough, talented enough for people to accept me. What’s wrong with me?, I’ve constantly asked myself. Despite all the emotional pain and turmoil God has never left my side. I’ve had to rely on Him more than ever this year and I believe that all of this has happened so I can learn to trust Him, walk with Him, and love Him more, giving Him complete surrender over every part of my life. The gaping scars that have plagued my life are slowly disappearing…

With my recent studies for my SHOUT IT Ministries/website I’m really rediscovering who I am and what why God created me in the first place. I’ve ignored the facts for far too long; listening to the lies of the world about who I am and why I’m here. Now my eyes are being opened to a whole new perspective–God’s perspective on my identity. More than ever I’m discovering: I am special–there’s no one on earth like me and God created me for a very unique purpose. I am a child of the God of the universe–who is vast in wisdom, knowledge, grace, and love that I can’t possibly wrap my mind around it. We are made more than to just live, but to live life to the fullest–everything for His glory. There’s a reason why I am the way I am and nothing is by chance…These are things I’ve learned growing up but I didn’t really apply them to my life. It was as if it almost didn’t seem to fit with my life and I choose to ignore God’s promises…

It’s been a long road to recovery for my spiritual well-being but I feel like I’m making real progress and as I dig deeper and deeper into discovering who I am I will grow more and more comfortable being myself. I’ll still have doubts and insecurities about myself, but I’m confident these emotions will slowly loosen their grip as time goes on. Looking in the mirror isn’t quite as hard as it used to be and not worrying about what others think is becoming less and less of an issue…

As I conclude this blog, here are a few reminders about identity that can’t be taken lightly: First before you do anything else, you must discover who God is–His nature, character, and attributes. Next, discover who you are–all aspects of your identity–your personality, values, passions, strengths, weaknesses, interests, and so on. Remember–Don’t compare yourself to others and never try to please others–God’s opinion is the only one that counts in the end. Finally, don’t forget– no matter what that God loves you just the way you are and nothing you do or say will change that–He’s jealous for your love, attention, and devotion! Truly amazing when you think about it–never take this for granted!! I pray that everyone you reads this discovers these truths like I am in the process of doing right now. They are of the utmost importance!!

Thanks for reading and God Bless.

-Kyle