December 31, 2009 

My Declaration: Awaken, Action, and Ambition in 2010! 

The Year that Was, the Year that will Be… 

“And it’s got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it’s the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I’m still hiding; I’m still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
‘Cause I’m tired of sleeping in.” -Nevertheless Lyrics 

In a way I’ve been “sleeping in” for 25 plus years. Just trying to get by, getting what needs to be done, and hoping not to mess up. This year has finally woke me up and now I’m ready to move forward. I dare say 2010 is the most critical year of my life. I can either continue on the path I’ve been on or change the course before it’s too late to turn back. I can no longer let life pass me by. Before I get into the year to come, I should first review the year that was, 2009…. 

I had high hopes coming in 2009 and right away these hopes faded. It seemed like the harder I tried, the worst it became. There were countless disappointments, trails, pains, more of the same dullness of just existing. But God used everything for His glory and to prepare for what had in store for me. I went through a very trying car accident on Easter but through it I learned to remember how blessed I am for my health and I got a much needed financial blessing. Then a mere 9 days later, SHOUT IT was born and my life was radically changed. Everything I’ve learned in my life started to make sense and seemed to fit perfectly into what I wanted to accomplish with this ambitious project. Despite this exciting new chapter, I still had countless trails and disappointments along the way. For the first time in several years, I couldn’t go on a vacation in the summer and every time I made plans they seemed to fall through. My search for a new and better job never got off the ground. Then the countless changes came at full force in the fall. My brother, Kevin, moved away to college, my other brother, Eric, graduated college, got a new job, and moved into his first house, my cousin moved to the Washington, D.C. area, my best friend moved for the 2nd time in a year, and the biggest change of all..I said goodbye to the place I’ve worked at the past 7 years, the old Wadsworth Giant Eagle. The first few months working at the new Giant Eagle nearly drove me mad with the countless adjustments and new people everywhere I turned. Through all of this I wondered when things would begin to come together and my dreams would begin to materialize. It seems like all I ever do is wait and wait and wait and on and on it goes. I becoming tired of my diet of manna, I want to get to the promised land but I somehow keep wandering around in circles getting nowhere…

Looking back on 2009, I now realize that it was more or less a year of foundations for my future. I’ve grown in ways I never expected at this time last year. If you’d told me, I would have created a phrase that I would base my life on and form an entire mission statement and website off of, I would have laughed at such a crazy thought. This year has also given me a glimpse of what my life could be, if I just took that first step of faith and let God use me. I’m a very passionate person and sometimes I try to make everything in my life perfect. I now realize that I need to stop worrying about doing, and instead focus on being… 

Even further back in high school and most of college, I just wanted to survive barely scratching the surface of my potential. I didn’t try new things, join many activities, or form many lasting relationships. Yes some of this was due to my extreme shy nature, but this shouldn’t have kept me from living to full potential. The what if’s have haunted me at times..what if I had tried harder, what if I had risks, what if… But there’s nothing I can do now about the past because it can never be changed. I could indulge in self-pity for what could have been and question God for why things haven’t turned out the way I wanted them to. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and realize that God is using every single event in my life for his purposes and glory. It’s now time to look to my future letting go of my past…. 

I recently got an idea to create a short motto/slogan for the year 2010–”Awaken, Action, and Ambition in 2010!” It’s a three-step process that I believe is the key to living out loud in 2010. The first step is to awaken my hopes and dreams. I have to clarify what it is I want and how to attain them. I love planning but sometimes I’m too vague and don’t give myself much to work with. I need to be specific about what I want and target the date I want to achieve these dreams. The second step is simply to take action! Once I know what I want and how to attain them, I actually have to follow-through. This is very difficult for me, as I tend to be the follower, instead of the leader. I sometimes like life on the sidelines, watching from a distance. I can’t fear dictate my life anymore! Once I begin to take action, I then to have ambition in my the light of my actions. Without ambition I would settle for the mediocre, ordinary, average and I simply can’t accept this anymore. This is where I’ve been lacking most of my life. I lack self confidence and play it safe, never allowing myself to reach me full potential. Life was meant to be lived to the fullest and I’ve done a poor job at this throughout my life for the most part…. 

Why now? I still have tons of choices and opinions to choose from. I’m not limited in what I can do. I’m entering the prime of my life–my mid 20′s and early 30′s and to this point there’s little holding me down. I can move anywhere I want and leave on my own, find a job I love, enjoy the context of a dating relationship, make new friendships, go on vacations and see different parts of the country, serve my church and discover my calling, and so on… I have my health, financial flexibility, and personal time to pursue the life that God wants me to live. The choice is mine to make…. 

With all of this said, I’m not saying the life I’ve lived has been a complete waste because that’s hardly the case. I’ve been blessed beyond belief with a wonderful family, friends, church, and financial blessings. I’ve been able to experience some amazing things and meet amazing people. What I trying to say is that I’ve been stuck far too long with the same old routine doing the same thing over and over again which has left me wondering when things are ever going to change for the better. The problem lies in the fact that I expect God to do all the work for me and just give me everything I’ve wanted simply because he loves me and has promised to provide for me. I have to start becoming the person I was made to be and this starts of discovering who I am and what my calling is. I’m out of excuses, the time is now to take full responsibility for who I’m becoming. I don’t know where all of this will lead, but I know with God anything is possible. There will still be disappointments along the way and more waiting for certain things. I just can’t let my circumstances dictate my life anymore. The milk and honey from the promised land is coming and it may be sooner than I think, all I have to do is be willing to let God use me. In the end it’s His purposes that will prevail. I’m very excited for what the future holds for me, so without further delay let 2010 begin!!

-Kyle

February 17, 2010

For Those Who Wait

“I’m having troubles feeling all alone
When my heart find a home
I want to hope but sometimes I just don’t know
I know I’m not the only one…

When you’re fighting to believe in a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait” -Fireflight lyrics

The year 2010 has gotten off to a rough start for me especially the month of February thus far. It seems like the harder I try to change things, the more I mess things up. I consider myself to be a very patient person but it certainly isn’t easy watching everyone else around me change and move up in life, while I’m stuck in neutral being in the same spot I’ve always been in for so many years. I so badly want my life to make sense and the pieces to come together but the questions only seem to grow…

I’ve been through a lot of growing pains in the past year and a half to two years but through it all God has never left my side. With car accidents, family members moving, struggles with finding a new job, an vast array of disappointments, financial problems, and a period of a loss of self-identity –it certainly has not been an easy ride. I know there is a purpose for all that I’ve dealt with, it’s just frustrating right now not knowing what it is yet. For now I must be patient and let God use me to accomplish His will, whatever it may be….

If anything else, these hard times have made me realize how truly blessed I am. Being a worshiper instead of a whiner is difficult especially when you’re hurting and life seems so unfair, but it certainly makes helps me see my life in a whole new perspective. I’ve been blessed with good health, a wonderful family and friends, and many, many material blessings. Even when this doesn’t seem to be enough I need to remember that God is still God no matter how I’m feeling and He is more than enough for me. I believe a main reason why God makes us wait so long for His blessings is so that when we receive them we’ll appreciate them more fully than if we were handed everything right from the get go. If we always got what we wanted in life, we’d become spoiled and ungrateful forgetting where our blessings came from in the first place. It makes us more reliant on God instead of our own efforts…

I’m decided to stop questioning God on why all of this is happening now and what the purpose of it is. For now I need to trust God completely with my life and know that He is in control. I must carry on and not let my worries and fears about my future affect how I’m living in the present tense. I sometimes become over obsessed with finding the answers to my life due to my extreme curious nature. That’s why it’s so hard to give up the search for answers and let go. God has a great future in store for me and I’m early anticipating in finding out what it is. Until then I will continue to grow, mature, and become the man God wants me to become.

-Kyle

March 25, 2010

Wondering, What Now?

“I’m wondering about the road ahead of me,

Wondering about the things you said to me,

Wondering if these dreams will ever do,

And I’m wondering about the way

I spend my days,

Wondering if it’s even worth the chase,

Wondering if they’re stealing me from you…” -TobyMac lyrics

I just celebrated my 26th birthday last week and since then I’ve a deep sense of frustration and disappointment. I’m in the second half of my twenties and this is all the progress I’ve made? I look around me and see what my life COULD become and it leaves me desperate for more. This kind of thinking as been at the forefront of my mind for a couple years now, especially over the past year or so. Now it’s to the point where I can no longer ignore it, I need to make a lot of changes in my life starting with my self-image, attitude, priorities, and how I spend my time. Clearly, something is wrong and it’s time to start looking into what it is…

“Hope” is a word I use a lot and I have to admit it’s something I’m starting to find —elusive. I know the minute I lose hope for my future, I will lose all passion, purpose, and conviction that I’m aiming for. Hope, by definition, is believing in something you cannot see, and the problem is I’m finding it very hard to actually see the things I want out of my life coming into being. Have I given up hope…NO, …but it’s turning into a much harder struggle than I want it to be…

As the show LOST winds down, I can’t help but see the similarities between the show and my life. Like everyone on the island, I want my life to have a purpose and feel like I have value and worth in the whole scheme of things. Also like the show, there’s much confusion and frustration over lack of answers. It seems like when one thing begins to make sense, a whole new set of questions come into place leaving me even more frustrated with each passing day. Yet another similarity with the show is the desire to start over and redeem myself from my past, wanting a clean slate. The island in LOST is a symbol of a place where the past doesn’t matter…So in ways I am “lost” on what to do with my life right now…

It all starts with God. My primary focus MUST be on Him and His promises. He hasn’t left my side and He’s guiding me towards a bright future. I must be willing to surrender all my dreams and desires to Him and let Him use me towards what He wants out of my life. The problem is finding the will to actually putting it into action and letting Him take the wheel and take over. I want so much out of life, but ultimately it’s not my will, but His will be done in this life. I must get back to my first love, Jesus Christ, and just remember who I am in Him….

Starting in the second week of April, I’m launching my SPECIAL project which with be the primary focus of SHOUT IT Ministries for the next 5-6 months. In ways, this is the perfect time for this to get off the ground and running, because not only with I be teaching others on how to find their calling, purpose, and potential in life, but I’ll be in the process of learning about myself as well. I think it gives me a perfect opportunity to get back to the basics of life and get a fresh start….

What does this all mean? I have NO idea. I feel like I’m running around in circles right now, making no progress. I’m saying the same things, doing the same things, and getting nowhere. I don’t think it’s an accident that I’m so passionate about living life to the fullest with no regrets. I believe God is moving my heart in this direction for a certain reason…I just wish I knew what that reason was….

-Kyle